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V/A: The best of sign me to Roadrunner Records

03/05/11 || revenant

Ah Roadrunner, always the good corporate citizen. Here they are providing a service for unsigned bands, allowing them to upload their material to a Roadrunner site, gain exposure and possible even signed to their wonderful label. What a glorious service your “sign me to Roadrunner” site represents…

Pfffffffff hahahahaha bull-fucking-shit. Talk about a one way win for the record label. First off, all these bands that are desperate to whore themselves to Roadrunner are providing all the content for the site. Does Roadrunner’s agents listen to the music uploaded, giving the band a chance? Fat fucking chance, that only happens if the band scores well from the subscribers (it says so in the FAQ – look it up). Oh, didn’t I mention the subscribers? Anyone who wants to listen to and rate these bands has to sign up and make an account. Another win for Roadrunner who now build a fat database of music enthusiasts to promote their shit to. And just say the next big thing does happen to come along, you’ve already got a test market giving them the thumbs up. How can Roadrunner possibly lose?

Ok ok, I’m being extremely fucking cynical here, but from where I sit signmeto.roadrunnerrecords.com is a boon for the label, a big win for the one or two bands that do happen to get signed, but I don’t see what’s in it for everyone else. And surely the bands who get rated high are the ones who have gotten all their friends and family (including Aunt Mavis, who’s never even used the “interweb” before) to vote for them?

But by now you’re wondering: am I reviewing a CD here or bagging out a label’s site? A bit of both actually. The site has released a fee to download (so long as you are a member) sampler of the best of these bands. Is the next big thing in here? A quick glance at the band names tells me no. But who knows, right? It’s time for me to put on my reviewers hat and wade through what may be the best (or worst) of what’s to come.

Bad Salad: Crowded Sky – I get the feeling a lot of bands nowadays open the dictionary at random pages and pick the first two words the see and take that as their moniker (I call this the dictionary effect). Bad Salad? Really? At any rate, a decent-ish prog metal track is what they give here. This singer fails to really hit the high notes and the back to back guitar and keyboard solos are a bit much.
Verdict: Better than the name would suggest. 6/10

Masque of Death: Abeyance – A bland chick fronted metal band. Do we need another one of these? The main riff is pretty decent but the song doesn’t really go anywhere. The chick on vocals doesn’t really stretch the vocals chords on the clean stuff and her growls are terrible.
Verdict: If given the opportunity to record a full length, they must just cure insomnia. 4/10

Motherboar: Croctosquatch – Curiously these guys already have a label according to the metal archives. I wonder how their current label feels about this? This forgettable sludge track reminds me a fair bit of Lair of the Minotaur, only less catchy. Oh boy.
Verdict: Rename yourselves Motherbore. My grandmother talking about her flatulence is more interesting than this. 3/10

Magic Hammer: Dance on Fire: Retribution – What the fuck is this? I thought this was a heavy music compilation, what the fuck is a shitty dance track doing here? And is that a cock sucking smurf on vocals? Jeeesus this is bad. Even the acid and glowstick junkies would be ashamed to be caught dancing to this.
Verdict: Retribution would be setting the band on fire. 1/10

The Things They Carried: 364 Day Anniversary – From shitty dance to shitty metalcore. Fuck, I’m starting to think this wasn’t such a great idea all of a sudden. Angst ridden screamo vocals followed by clean poppy choruses: typical abominable metalcore bullshit. This music has not one redeeming feature. Oh, and “364 day anniversary”? That isn’t the slightest bit clever, so fuck off.
Verdict: If these guys ever get laid, I hope they get herpes and die from it. 1/10

Lions: Gimme Riot – Does groove metal with a glam metal singer sound like a good mix to you? I can tell you right now – it doesn’t work. Music and vocal mismatch aside, this is middling groove with some potential.
Verdict: It’s not the shittiest thing here, but that’s as big as the compliment gets. 4/10

eENK: Passive Attack – I…. don’t hate this. Fuck. Would have been a good one to burn but this oddball song is pretty damn catchy. Not too heavy, but some definite Faith No More influence there. There is a potential this could get annoying after multiple listens though. (And no, I’m not touching that moniker)
Verdict: Not shit, which is a big surprise. 6/10

Bipolar Echo: What I thought – The dictionary effect strikes again! Another chick fronted band, but this one is a bit catchier than the previous one. I quite like the chorus, but the vocals probably aren’t as strong as they need to be.
Verdict: Some potential, but little blood flowed to the penis on this one. 5/10

Laudanum Forest: The asylum – Another band that seems completely out of place on this compilation. An acoustic number with psychedelic sounds and a heavy reliance on keyboards, this isn’t so bad but it really just isn’t my thing.
Verdict: Better proofing of the tracks chosen when making compilations needed in the future. 5/10

King Misfit: Under ancient ground – 80’s hard rock FTW! Reminds me a little of Whitesnake in parts, though a little more progressive with a long winding guitar solo and piano break. At seven and a half minutes though, the song’s just a touch long.
Verdict: I wouldn’t go completely apeshit if this was the only band signed. 6/10

Synesis Absorption: Disgrace of Redemption – What did the sponge get when it watched too much “CSI: New York”? Gary Sinesis Absorption! That’s right, I’m here all day folks. Pretty good prog death metal track from these Serbians, but the vocals are questionable. Pretty sharp, technical and impressive though.
Verdict: Despite the weak growls, one of the best here. 7/10

The Last Ten Seconds of Life: Jealousy is hell – Brutal death/deathcore from who the fuck cares where. The vocalist sounds like a pig pushing out a particularly big turd. Come on mate, keep pushing, it’ll come. Big crunching guitars don’t really add up to much.
Verdict: More fibre needed in the vocalist’s diet. 4/10

Tooms: Headbang headcrash – Please, for the love of good music, can what this band do never ever ever become a popular trend? Fuck. What is this bullshit anyway? Dance thrash? Whatever it is, it’s utter shit. Dance beats, stupid Commodore 64 bleeps (I think Arkanoid was sampled), generic guitars and crappy vocals make up this four and a quarter minutes of shit.
Verdict: No. Never. I’d rather rub my balls on sandpaper than listen to this again. 0/10

All Hail the Yeti: Deep creek – All Hail the Yeti? More like “We Hail Mastodon”. This band is also pretty good, the chorus is pretty catchy, nice big crunching grooves and sharp playing playing make this, along with Synesis Absorption, one of the two worth checking out on this compilation.
Verdict: All hail the penis. 7/10

So did I find the next big thing? Probably not. There is a lot of real genuine doggy doo-doo on this compilation, enough for me to recommend not downloading this. The better half of these bands aren’t too exciting, and the worst are just atrocious. If I had to vote on one band, All Hail the Yeti gets my vote. Averaging the 14 tracks here though, this compilations gets a…

Information
Released: 2011
Label: Roadrunner
Website: signmeto.roadrunnerrecords.com
Band
Various douchebags: vocals, guitars, bass, drums, keyboards, penis

Tracklist
01. Listed in the review, no fucking chance I’m typing that crap again.

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